Tag Archives: Frankenstein

Showdown In Screamtown: Frightful Four & Chilling Championship

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This is it, boys and ghouls!

Only four competitors, and two matches, remain for our semi-finals round.

The monsters who survive those matches will need to step back into the ring tonight so that our champion can be crowned.

Godzilla may be known as King of the Monster, but tonight we’re going to crown the World Heavyweight Champion of Monsters!

SEMI-FINALS MATCH ONE: DRACULA (1) vs PREDATOR (7)

VS

Predator has had some time to lick his wounds or, more accurately, pours that really unpleasant burning powder on them to expedite healing. But Drac, sensing weakness, wastes little time in transforming into Bat-Beast mode, and going right for the jugular (figuratively and literally).

He gets his fangs sunk in, but glowing green blood tastes a bit like the stuff inside of glow sticks to Dracula. This throws the vampire king off his game, allowing the hunter to become an intergalactic Van Helsing.

Predator thrusts his metal wrist-blades into Drac’s chest. Then with two big slashes, he uses the same weapon to take off Dracula’s head, and take his spot in our Main Event,

WINNER: PREDATOR (7)

 

SEMI-FINALS MATCH TWO: THE WOLFMAN (2) vs THE TERMINATOR (6)

VS

Even with just one useful leg and one arm (period) our resident Killing Machine is able to pound the taste out of the Wolfman’s mouth. However, unlike Leatherface, Wolfie heals up almost immediately and goes on the offensive.

The Howling Horror gets right to ripping and tearing wires and hydraulics out of every joint he can find. The cybernetic super punches eventually begin losing the power behind them, and the metal endo-skeleton is soon immobilized and rendered little more than a shiny lawn sculpture.

For the coup de gras, the Wolfman digs into the brain chip slot that has already been scratched and softened up in the previous rounds. Once that little piece of silicon is pulled free, it’s light out for the glowing red eyes of the Terminator. With a mighty howl at the moon, Wolfie charges into the championship match.

WINNER: THE WOLFMAN (2)

 

CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: THE WOLFMAN (2) vs PREDATOR (7)

VS

And now we come to our Main Event! The final clash of terrifying titans that we’ve all been waiting for.

This one gets bloody quickly, soon turning into a true war of attrition. Both beasts scour, stab, and tear with claws, teeth, and blades as the ring becomes a lake of gore. After a ferocious battle, both combatants fall to their knees and drag themselves off to separate corners.

But there’s one thing that Predator didn’t consider. A twist that he should have seen coming: Only silver can kill a werewolf. So the Wolfman heals up, and rises back to his feet.

He doesn’t move in for the kill right away, as even the most bestial of creatures can recognize a worthy adversary. Predator returns the respect, knowing this has been his last hunt. He rises back to his feet, stands on shaky legs, and nods at his opponent. Wolfman dashes across the ring in the blink of an eye, and makes the kill quickly.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE WINNER AND NEWWWWWWWWW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF MONSTERS: THE WOOOOOOOOOLFMAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

I hope you enjoyed reading about this tournament as much as I enjoyed writing it. Maybe I’ll try to come up with something similar in the near-future.

In the meantime, Happy Halloween!

And don’t forget to pick-up my latest novel: What Lies At Baelwood Manor

 

Showdown In Screamtown Round Two: The Evil Eight

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It’s time for our mighty monsters to get back in the ring and square off once again to decide who is the baddest of them all!

This group of eight have survived and advanced through one brutal round, now let’s see if they have enough left to move onto the Frightful Four semi-final round.

MATCH ONE: DRACULA (1) vs THE THING (12)

VS

Top-seeded Dracula hasn’t had easy matchups in this tournament, first having to deal with the interdimensional horror of Pennywise, and now facing off with the cosmic terror of The Thing.

Thingie goes right to trick that helped him upset Jason V in Round One, this time taking on the shape of Drac’s long-dead love Elisabeta (for those who forget, in Bram Stoker’s Dracula the titular bloodsucker is super into Mina Harker because she is the reincarnation of he aforementioned Elisabeta). It’s all for nought, though, as Drac immediately sees through the charade, and he’s pretty pissed at his opponent for taking such a low blow.

The grandaddy of all vampires goes all-out, and starts tearing pieces off The Thing. This, of course, only creates more problems for Drac, as every piece he tears off now attacks him. He ends up reaching deep into his bag of tricks and calls upon the creature of the night in the neighborhood. After all the rats and wolves and owls tote every piece of Thingie out of the arena, Dracula is the one left standing in the ring.

WINNER: DRACULA (1)

 

MATCH TWO: THE WOLFMAN (2) vs PINHEAD (9)

VS

Our resident Cenobite is feeling irrationally confident, considering he defeated a little girl in Round One, but Wolfie doesn’t care about that. Pinhead tried to S&M his opponent to death, but every inflicted wound heals almost instantly.

The Wolfman start pulling every nail out of Pinny’s head with his claws and, suddenly, the match changes from a fight to something far sexier (at least as far as Pinhead is concerned). After turning Pinhead into Plain Old Head, Wolfie starts tearing chunks out of the senior hellraiser’s pale body.

Pinhead is loving every second of it. He’s long ago ceased fighting back and, by the time he’s lying on the ground moaning loudly, covered in blood and….other fluids…the ref stops the match. The ring crew are used to mopping up gore, but they didn’t really sign up for this. So Pinhead is politely, but firmly, asked to leave the arena immediately.

WINNER: THE WOLFMAN (2)

 

MATCH THREE: FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER (3) vs PREDATOR (7)

VS

This match is a completely different affair for both these guys. Predator faces off against the exact opposite of an inquiring scientific mind in The Creature, while Frank himself stands across from an enemy who – being unsure whether The Creature is a worthwhile hunt – doesn’t make the first move.

Eventually, Frankenstein’s Monster snarls and moves in for the attack, leading to Predator going invisible and stabbing away from all angles with his wrist-blades. Frank takes a lot of damage, but he’s able to take it in-stride until he gets his hands on P-Diddy. His tech takes the brunt of the attack, so the invisibility strategy doesn’t last much longer.

Frankie comes at the Big Game Space Hunter like a freight train, making the latter starts wishing that the nuke on his forearm wasn’t banned from the tournament (along with all firearms). Instead, he relies on his superior speed and agility to cut Frank down piece-by-piece. The Creature wants to continue but, seeing that his limbs are no longer functioning, the match is stopped.

WINNER: PREDATOR (7)

 

MATCH FOUR: LEATHERFACE (4) vs THE TERMINATOR (6)

VS

This would have been a quick win for the literal Killing Machine in round one, since a chainsaw isn’t much use against a cyborg. But the acid bath and claw massage that the Alien Queen gave him in Round One has left the T-800 in really rough shape.

Leatherface goes to work on the parts that are already damaged, and saws through the exposed gears and wires on every body part he can get at. With the Terminator on the ground, Leatherface really leans his chainsaw into the slot that hold’s his opponent’s brain chip. This ends up being a mistake for the Texas BBQ Master.

The inexplicably Austrian-accented robot manages to grab Leatherface by the throat with his lone functional hand, and snaps his neck with one good twist. He struggles to his feet, dragging one useless leg behind him, and gets that one remaining hand raised in victory.

WINNER: THE TERMINATOR (6)

 

That leaves our Frightful Four semi-finals bouts looking like this:

Dracula (1) vs Predator (7)

The Wolfman (2) vs The Terminator (6)

Since there’s only a grand total of three matches left, we’ll also cover our Chilling Championship match in the next post.

So tune in then to see who is left standing when the dust settles on the Showdown In Screamtown!

 

 

Showdown In Screamtown Round One: The Satanic Sixteen

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The competitors are in the arena.

The matches have been booked.

The introductions have been made.

The crowd is amped up and ramped up.

So, without further delay, let’s get ready to rumble!

MATCH ONE: DRACULA (1) vs PENNYWISE (16)

VS

A classic match-up of Old School Ghoul versus New School Ghoul. They would appear to be pretty evenly paired as far as physical strength goes, but it doesn’t take long for an old veteran to spot the upstart’s weakness.

The fact is that Pennywise’s power is predicated on fear, which is why he primarily hunts children. So, unless Pennywise can transform into a crucifix or a sunrise, Drac isn’t going to fear him very much.

Without being able to charge up on fear juice, the killer clown is just as doomed against one nosferatu as he was against seven preteens.

WINNER: DRACULA (1)

 

MATCH TWO: THE WOLFMAN (2) vs FRED KRUEGER (15)

VS

If this fight takes place purely in the real world, the Wolfman tears through Kruger as quickly as if the latter were nothing more than the slice of pizza that he resembles. But Fred is canny enough to find a way to take their battle into dreamland, where he’ll have home field advantage.

At this point, though, Fred runs into a similar problem as Pennywise did. He killed children in life and teens in post-life, and he was damn good at it. But Wolfie is a grown-ass man and his subconscious, where Krueger has found much success against insecure pubescents, has a grown-ass monster wolf prowling about in it. Old Freddy Knife-Fingers looses in both realms.

WINNER: THE WOLFMAN (2)

 

MATCH THREE: FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER (3) vs MICHAEL MYERS (14)

VS

Michael is far more aggressive, and has racked up a far greater body count that the Creature over the years. I mean, Frank would rather babysit a little girl than stalk and kill her babysitter and said-babysitter’s school chums.

So the murderous Shatner fanboy would come out swinging…or stabbing, I suppose. He’ll put a bunch of holes in the Creature, but Dr. Frankenstein knows how to construct a damn durable dude. It took a flaming collapsing windmill to put the Creature down once, and they had to explode a whole castle laboratory around him to stop him the second time.

Eventually, Capt. Boltneck will get fed up and toss Michael into the river like he was a little girl picking flowers.

WINNER: FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER (3)

 

MATCH FOUR: LEATHERFACE (4) vs ZOMBIE (13)

VS

In our shortest, and most lopsided, match of the night the zombie hungrily inquires “Brains?” to which Leatherface – thinking the undead a snob for only wanting to eat the caviar of the human body – fires up his chainsaw and promptly turns his opponent into rotten cold cuts.

WINNER: LEATHERFACE (4) 

 

MATCH FIVE: JASON VOORHEES (5) vs THE THING (12)

VS

Neigh-invulnerable and strong as hell, Jason would jump out on The Thing fast early on. He’ll be hacking and slashing his way to an early victory before Thingie figure our how to use his greatest strength to his advantage. In a stunning twist, it’s revealed that The Thing located Pamela Voorhees and absorbed her corpse prior to the match!

Since Jason is not one to chop up mama, he stops his attack. This allows all the pieces that JayJay already hacked off to attack him from all sides, leaving the primary mass of alien ass-kickery to finish the job. And, just like that, we have our first upset of the night!

WINNER: THE THING (12)

 

MATCH SIX: THE TERMINATOR (6) vs ALIEN QUEEN (11)

VS

With guns, the Terminator makes short work of our royal xenomorph. But, as laid out in our previous entry, no guns are allowed here, so the Austrian Android has to get down and dirty in this fight.

Queenie would scrape off much of Schwarzenator’s synthetic flesh with her claws but, as designed, the murder machine will keep coming after her. This one gets nasty, as Queen Xeno gets torn apart limb-from-limb. But she does nearly as much damage to the Terminator as her acid blood burns through flesh and metal alike.

In the end, the Bionic Bludgeoner finishes the job, but he’ll be in really rough shape for Round Two.

WINNER: THE TERMINATOR (6)

 

MATCH SEVEN: PREDATOR (7) vs BRUNDLEFLY (10)

VS

We’re rolling with the half-transformed Brundlefly here, so he’s still got much of his genius intellect intact. While one might think that’s an advantage here, it’s actually quite the opposite. Brundlefly has a very inquisitive mind, hence his ill-fated teleportation experiment, so he wouldn’t be able to resist asking Predator a million questions about his physiology, his homeworld, his likes and hobbies, and so forth.

The only reason Big P waits so long to tear out his opponent’s spine is because he’s not sure whether to actually consider him a threat. Ultimately, he decided that he may die of boredom if this continues, and so he adds a human/fly hybrid to his trophy collection.

WINNER: PREDATOR

 

MATCH EIGHT: REAGAN MACNEIL (8) vs PINHEAD (9)

VS

This is a tricky one because it’s entirely possible that Pazuzu – the demon possessing Reagan – is actually Pinhead’s boss. That aside, both take a keen interest in torturing poor Reagan and, as a result, Pinhead ends up victorious.

WINNER: PINHEAD (9)

And with that, our Round Two match-ups look like this:

Dracula (1) vs The Thing (12)

The Wolfman (2) vs Pinhead (9)

Frankenstein’s Monster (3) vs Predator (7)

Leatherface (4) vs The Terminator (6)

Tune in next time to see the results of Round Two: The Evil Eight!

Showdown In Screamtown: The Challengers

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With Halloween just around the corner, I’ve decided to dedicate a couple of blog posts to two of my favorite things: Horror Movies and Single Elimination Tournaments.

So, I’ve rounded up 16 of the greatest movie monsters of all-time, and decided to stick them in a series of one-on-one matches to determine who is the baddest of them all!

I’m calling this pay per view spectacular The Showdown In Screamtown.

In the instance of challengers with numerous incarnations throughout film history (Dracula, Wolfman, Frankenstein’s Monster, Zombie) I chose the versions who would be the most proficient in a straight-up fight.

I’m not that big of rules and regulations, so I’ll be playing pretty fast and loose with the matches themselves.

There were, however, some qualifying rules for entering the tournament. The most useful of these rules was placing   and weight limit on the combatants. Basically, if you can’t fit into a WWE-style wrestling ring, then you can’t compete. This rules out monsters like Cloverfield, Godzilla, King Kong, the Kraken, and any other kaiju. Sorry, big guys.

One other rule is that, since I want this to primarily be a hand-to-hand combat tourney, signature weapons are allowed except for firearms. In other words, Leatherface gets his chainsaw and Jason get a machete, but Terminator’s guns and Predator’s shoulder-mounted laser blaster are outlawed

The seeding was based on the first fights I’d be interested in seeing. I haven’t planned beyond Round One yet, so things will get pretty interesting pretty quickly.

From Round Two onward, the tournament will run according to Round Robin rules, with the highest remaining seeds taking on the lowest remaining seeds (1st seed vs 16th seed, 2nd seed vs 15th seed, etc).

With that in-mind, let’s meet our tremendously terrifying tournament titans:

1: Dracula (Bram Stoker’s Dracula – 1992)

Dracula is a no-brainer for the #1 seed here, as he’s been the inspiration for so many other monsters. I went with this version of Dracula because he showed a full arsenal of creeptastic powers, including control over night beasts like wolves and rats, mind control over people, de-aging himself, and the ability to transform himself into a big wolf-like thing and a big bat-like thing. Bonus points for the fact that he was still able to seduce Lucy while in wolf-like thing form, which takes mad skills.

2: The Wolfman (The Wolfman – 2010)

There are so many werewolves to choose from, but this one might be my favorite. He looks like a big bad wold ought to look, while still serving homage to the classic Lon Chaney Jr. wolfman. He can run on two legs or all fours, is strong as hell, fast as hell, and nasty as hell. You also have to give props for them getting Sir Anthony Hopkins and Benecio Del Toro to star in this film.

3: Frankenstein’s Monster (Classic Universal Film Series)

There were shockingly few semi-decent film incarnations of Frankenstein’s Monster (not to be confused the Frankenstein, the mad scientist who created him). But since this character probably inspired even more monsters than Dracula (a few even show up in this very tournament) he needed to be represented here. Several of the classic Universal monster films feature the Creature are great, though, so we’re rolling with old flat top here.

4: Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Film Series)

The only fully human competitor who made the cut (so to speak) Leatherface deserves a lot of credit as he’ll be repping the whole human race essentially (I’d still take him over Trump). He’s a whirling dervish of a killing machine who can chop you to bits, then slow cook those bits into some mean BBQ.

5: Jason Voorhees (Friday The 13th Film Series)

To paraphrase DJ Khaled  “All he does is kill kill kill no matter what!” JayJay here is an early favorite for this type of challenge as he puts his SuperZombie skills on display in hopes of winning that championship belt! (Did I not mention there’s a championship belt? Cuz there is. There always is. And it’ll be pretty damn sweet).

6: The T-800 Model Terminator (The Terminator – 1984)

As mentioned earlier, the T-800 won’t have access to the plethora of guns he’s used through the course of five films (of varying quality), but don’t feel too sorry for him – he sure as shit won’t feel sorry for you when he tears your limbs off one at a time. He’s built from a highly durable steel alloy and was built exclusively to do what he’ll be doing here.

7: Predator (Predator Film Series)

The Big P was built for killing like the T-800, but he’s spent his entire life mastering the art of it. This guy might be looking forward to these fights more than any other combatant, as he loves nothing more than to test his skills against the most formidable of opponents. His shoulder-mounted laser blaster may be off-limits, but he’ll still be able to use his retractable wrist-blades and extendable spear.

8: Reagan Macneil (The Exorcist – 1973)

The little demon girl (literally, not figuratively) is less of a physical threat than most of the other challengers, but she’s spooky and running on devil diesel fuel. Her best gameplan might be to talk crazy smack until she gets into her opponent’s head and psyches then out into a making a mistake.

9: Pinhead (Hellraiser Film Series)

He’s iconic, so he had to make the list, but he’s really more into pleasure than pain – even if the specific pleasure is meant to be elicited from extreme, agonizing pain. But he’s all black leather and nails-in-the-face, so I expect he can hold his own in the ring.

10: Brundlefly (The Fly – 1986)

Mad scientist and monster all-in-one, so he’s got brains and brawn, Seth Brundle’s may have transformed himself into a horrifying and nauseating human-fly hybrid, but can he transform himself into a champion?

11: Alien Queen (Aliens – 1986)

Queenie just barely made our weight/size cut off, but she trimmed a few pounds and here she is! She royalty and the mother of horde of neigh-unstoppable apex predators, so she’s going to be a tough out for anyone,

12: The Thing (John Carpenter’s The Thing – 1982)

Thingie pushed right up against our size limit, as his final form is pretty massive, but we let him in. A master of deception who, when found out, can also bite your arms right off. This thing from another world has a chance to go deep in our tourney, but it all depends on what sort of shape he shows up in (cardio and otherwise).

13: Zombie (Return Of The Living Dead – 1985)

So many zombies to choose from, but we’re going with the ROTLD variety as they are the hardest to kill. Brain shots won’t stop them from munching on your brains. Hell, they had to nuke a whole town to stop them at the end of the movie. So he can take a beating for sure, the only question is whether he can deliver one.

14: Michael Myers (Halloween Film Series)

Michael could be interpreted as every bit as human as Leatherface, but he’s really running on some dark and unknowable evil drive. Six shots and a two-story fall didn’t finish him, so he’s a player. John Carpenter’s Halloween kicked off an entire sub-genre of slasher films – not unlike Romero’s zombies – but will that be enough to get his arm raised in victory?

15: Fred Krueger (Nightmare On Elm Street Film Series)

I’m going with “Fred” instead of “Freddy” because the character was a child murderer in life, and that disqualifies you from being on more familiar terms with me (JayJay only every killed teens, so I’m a little cooler with him). But Fred McMeltyFace has been haunting nightmares both on-screen and off for more than 30 years, so he’s primed and ready to get down and dirty.

16: Pennywise The Dancing Clown (IT – 2017)

A very recent addition to the pantheon of famous filmland monster, but a worthy one nonetheless. He does eat children, so he occupies the same pure heel position as Krueger, but the crowd always needs someone to boo! Still, he made one hell of an impression in one hell of a short period of time, so he’s coming in to Round One hot.

Round One Matches:

Dracula (1) vs Pennywise (16)

The Wolfman (2) vs Fred Krueger (15)

Frankenstein’s Monster (3) vs Michael Myers (14)

Leatherface (4) vs Zombie (13)

Jason Voorhees (5) vs The Thing (12)

The Terminator (6) vs Alien Queen (11)

Predator (7) vs Brundlefly (10)

Reagan MacNeil (8) vs Pinhead (9)

Check back next time to see the who managed to survive and advance the Round Two!